I am a self-proclaimed perfectionist. I say that with slight hesitation as I’ve learned it isn’t necessarily a positive attribute. There was a time in my life that I thought striving for perfection equated to value and worth – both personally and professionally. I truly believed that any less than THE BEST was never good enough; I would NEVER dream of submitting work with less than perfect outcomes, I would SHUDDER at the thought of serving a less than stellar meal, and heaven forbid my house was EVER less than ready for a photo shoot for an architectural magazine – I mean you never know when an editor might stop by with a camera in hand begging to shoot my model home.
Fast forward to today. Do I strive for excellence? Absolutely. But there’s a difference between excellent and perfect. Do I think a perfectionist can ever be rehabilitated? Not fully. But, it’s vitally important that we try. In the quest to be “perfect,” perfectionists miss out on a myriad of monumental learning moments. Painfully and humbly I have come to realize that making mistakes is not a bad thing, as long as you are willing and open to see the experience as an opportunity for self-awareness. I acknowledge that when I’ve allowed myself to “slip” or “dive in,” both of which expose vulnerability, I’ve had some eye-opening aha moments.
How did I come to this epiphany? One, by coaching others. It’s amazing how much you learn about yourself as you guide others towards personal empowerment. While leading others to realize their challenges and encouraging them to make necessary change, you can’t help but see and expect the same in yourself. Also, as a parent. My daughter has inherited the perfectionist gene. She recently called me frantic because she had “made a mistake.” Listening to her, I thought, “YES! She realizes she’s not infallible. Now, I need to get her to see that it’s a good thing and embrace the opportunity to learn from it.” Uh, hello! How about I listen to my inner voice for my own benefit? While I asked her some leading questions about the take-aways from the experience and how she could use them for growth moving forward, I was posing the same questions to myself about a number of scenarios that were swirling through my mind.
Perfectionists basically get in their own way. Messing up is not an option and if they don’t have all the information, or aren’t already good at something, then there is no way they are going to subject themselves to the “embarrassment” of not achieving what they perceive as excellence. In their mind it might potentially ruin their reputation as the expert, the champion, or the competent one. In reality, it actually results in the following:
Lack of Learning – How can we ever become multi-dimensional, grow, and develop if we don’t allow ourselves to try something new, potentially with very little information? And for you perfectionists, I’m one step ahead of you – I mean try something new without practicing first! Not only do we learn a new skill and gain unknown knowledge, we also learn A LOT about ourselves. Are we resilient or do we easily give up? Are we potentially good at something that we never thought possible? Can we allow ourselves to learn from others? Additionally, giving ourselves permission to “mess up” can transform how we feel about ourselves when we are able to overcome adversity and prosper.
Surface Level Relationships – Others will avoid you like the plague if they perceive you as perfect. It potentially makes them feel imperfect, and who wants to subject themselves to that pressure? By allowing yourself to be less than perfect, you in turn become more relatable and approachable. You become human, which leads to deeper and more valuable connections with others.
Inability to Live in The Moment – Perfectionists deny themselves the ability to truly appreciate life. They spend so much time “getting it right,” they miss the pleasure that can result from just enjoying the experience. Think about when you take up a new hobby, which should provide balance with a sense of peace and happiness. How much serenity will come from focusing on the outcome – which, for a perfectionist means doing it over and over again until it’s “perfect” – instead of having fun by reveling in the journey? Hobbies and recreational activities can literally be a perfectionist’s worst nemesis!
Living in Fear – The truth hurts. Perfectionists feel their true self isn’t good enough. They strive for perfection so they can overcome the fear of not measuring up. The irony is that perfectionism doesn’t equate to increased performance, likeability, or happiness. Since “enough” is never good enough, perfectionists are most often overworked, anxiety ridden, and overwhelmed with negative emotion. Furthermore, they never reach their true potential because their fear of failure – or their perception of it – is paralyzing, causing an inability to take risks and engage in challenging experiences.
So, the light bulb has been turned on for me; I get it. Does it mean I have thrown my desire to be the best I can be out the window? Not by a long shot. That is one of my core values, and I am fairly confident that it will remain so for the rest of my life. I have no problem admitting that I take pride in the quality of my work, I am not ashamed that I like my house to look nice, and I’m ok with the fact that I don’t like leaving the house looking like I just rolled out of bed. But, I have learned to give myself permission to trust the process and take on something new without all of the information. I am able to walk past a room that is somewhat “out of place” and not feel angst from it. And, it’s ok if I look a little disheveled at times (well, just a little).
My parting words to my fellow perfectionists – Be ok with who you are but don’t allow your need for excellence to deny you the MOST important things in life. Most, importantly, stop living with the fear that if you’re not perfect your value decreases and you won’t be good at anything. As stated by renowned author John Steinbeck, “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”
Dina Maloney is a personal development coach, business consultant, educator, and motivational speaker as well as the co-founder of EPIC Coaching and Consulting, a firm that Empowers People through Insight and Change. The company assists people who are ready to evaluate themselves and/or their businesses, create a plan for improvement and make the necessary changes for maximum results.