In her highly acclaimed book, “Lean In,” Sheryl Sandberg states, “If a woman pushes to get the job done, if she’s highly competent, if she focuses on results rather than on pleasing others, she’s acting like a man. And if she acts like a man, people dislike her.”
It sounds like a no-win situation. HOW can women lead and inspire others, climb the ladder of success, and overcome inequality in the workplace without demonstrating competency? And WHY should a woman temper her confidence and minimize her abilities so she can score a lunch invite or become a member of the “boys club”? She won’t be invited to join the club either way; if she’s empowered, she’ll be disliked and if she’s passive she won’t be respected.
Personally, I’d rather eat alone than compromise my integrity and devalue my worth – or allow anyone else to for that matter. But, good thing is, I don’t have to; nor do any of my fellow intelligent, confident, capable, compassionate, caring and results-producing females.
Instead of determining who we “should” be, I challenge women to be who they are. It’s time to turn the stigma around and stop allowing the label – you all know what it is – to turn us into something we’re not. It’s time to bring the inside out; we need to stand tall – personally that means all 5’10 inches of me – live a life of purpose and prove that we do add value, we do create impact and that we can be the shoulder to cry on while we’re closing the deal!
If you’re not convinced yet that you don’t have to “play along to get along,” consider the following:
It’s Not You, It’s Them
If someone – male or female – can’t accept that a woman has presence when she walks in a room, has the courage to advocate when it’s needed, is emotionally intelligent enough to know how to persuade others that her ideas have merit, and uses her voice to get the job done, then it’s on them. Their own insecurities blind them to reality; she is not intimidating – they are intimidated by her. Their “dislike” is based solely on the fact that her strength reminds them of their weakness.
Internal Satisfaction is More Important than External Praise
How you feel about yourself is more valuable than someone else’s opinion of you – regardless of whether they’re above you or below you on the food chain. Seeking validation from outside sources that aren’t willing or able to accept the real you is the ultimate self-betrayal; the disloyalty will greatly affect your integrity and self-respect. Seeking validation from within, on the other hand, is empowering; it leads to a deep sense of self-awareness so that you can look in the mirror each day and recognize, appreciate and celebrate the person looking back at you. Praise from others can get you through the day; self-validation carries you through life.
Beggars Can’t Be Choosers
So, here’s the paradox in the equation – the very people who don’t like a confident, assertive, and competent female LOVE those qualities in her when it benefits them. They do the happy dance when she successfully advocates for the team to get an extension on their project deadline; they are euphoric when she confidently, and professionally, presents a brilliant plan on how to streamline operations in their area, which includes a reorganization AND a reduction in workloads; and they are relieved when she has the courage to stand up – with grace, of course – to the office bully when no one else will. It’s the hypocrite that struggles to look at themselves every day; they’d rather spend their time looking for faults in others than make time to correct their own.
The greatest act of courage is to be and own all that you are; without apology, without excuses and without a mask to cover the truth of who you are. As women it is our ability – and willingness – to be courageous that will lead to change so we no longer feel the need to be an imposter in our own lives. Whether we join the miserable in their company is up to us. I say decline the invitation!
Dina Maloney is a personal development coach, business consultant, educator, and motivational speaker as well as the co-founder of EPIC Coaching and Consulting, a firm that Empowers People through Insight and Change. The company assists people who are ready to evaluate themselves and/or their businesses, create a plan for improvement and make the necessary changes for maximum results.