During a recent conversation with a colleague, she relayed her frustration and dismay about a situation she was experiencing at work. It was appraisal time, which meant that those who report to her would complete a comprehensive evaluation of her performance. When I asked her what was causing her so much distress, she said “I don’t have a problem with the process. I appreciate the feedback, as long as it is constructive. What I DO have a problem with is that I DON’T have the opportunity to evaluate my boss.” Basically, the buck stopped at her.
She didn’t understand why she is held accountable for how she leads others but her boss isn’t. She said she felt unsafe. If her boss didn’t see the value in receiving feedback from her and her peers – or worse, if she didn’t want to put herself at risk of what the feedback might bring to light – why was she requiring those who report to her to do so?
She asked me my opinion. The following was my response:
As a manager (and leader) you should always hold yourself accountable to the same standards and expectations you require of your employees. It is unethical to lead the troops to the fire, ask them to jump in and then sit back and remain unscathed.
As a parent, you should always model behavior that you expect from your children. It is hypocritical to expect honesty and respect from our sons and daughters, if we are not exhibiting those behaviors ourselves.
As a partner or friend, you should always reciprocate the loyalty and commitment you need or want from another person. It is inequitable, and unfair, to set standards for others if we are not willing or able to meet them ourselves.
As I explained to my colleague, the lack of modeling, reciprocating, and/or accountability in the above scenarios creates an environment of distrust. Trust is the necessary foundation from which to build and maintain a solid and viable relationship.
If a manager doesn’t jump in the fire and take the risk alongside the employees, they will distrust his/her intention. Once that happens, the manager will lack the credibility and connection needed to lead a productive and invested team.
If parents’ actions don’t mirror their words, their children will distrust the importance of the behavior and it will breed negativity and resentment. In essence the child is being given license to do exactly what they are being told not to do.
If a partner or friend can’t – or won’t – treat others as they want to be treated, his/her commitment to the relationship will be in question. In order for a personal relationship to sustain, both individuals MUST be able to trust that they share the same level of commitment to one another.
Relationships, regardless of their nature, require people to make high-risk investments, which leave them feeling vulnerable, and “unsafe” as described by my colleague. When people don’t feel that their ROI is worth the vulnerability and risk, one of two things will happen; either they’ll remain, but will do so with minimal effort, or they’ll bail (emotionally, mentally, and/or physically).
What you get from people is dependent upon what you give; if they trust your intention, which is determined by actions much more than words, you’ll both reap the benefit of the effort.
Simply put … be the qualities you seek in others!