I’m a “quotie.” My daughters can attest to it; there are some quips that they hear more often than others because I’m hoping the messages will sink in. One of my favorites, which they’ve heard numerous times in my quest to impart “life lessons” (that’s what they call them), is by Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Why do I find myself repeating it so often? Because, in line with another of my favorites, “Life will continue to bring you the same test over and over again until you pass it,” we close our eyes to what we don’t want to see; even when it’s staring us straight in the face. Why don’t we make the needed corrections so the next time the opportunity for a retake comes our way, we can pass the test and move on to study for the next one?
Is it because we want to believe the best in people? Perhaps. Is it because we think we’re going to make the difference? Maybe. But at the end of the day, the consummate forgivers (those who don’t “believe them the first time”) keep failing the test because they aren’t living true to their values. And when you don’t align your life with your values, you’ll fail the test … over and over and over again.
If you asked a consummate forgiver to create a list of personal core values, you’d probably hear something resembling: honesty, trust, loyalty, and commitment. The list most likely reflects how he/she is living; after all, you have to trust and commit to allow someone to take advantage of your loyalty. However, living true to your values also means not accepting behavior from others that doesn’t align with those values. To quote yet another prolific person, “You get what you give”; if you don’t “give” to you, you’re not going to get from someone else.
The steadfast violators (those who “show us the first time”) that are continually forgiven, have their own set of core values and ARE most likely living in close alignment with them; they probably resemble: reliability, ambition, independence and success. Again, it may accurately reflect how they are living; after all, you have to be reliably ambitious to be independently successful. And yet, they often “get what they don’t give.” The consummate forgiver keeps giving, so the steadfast violators don’t have to.
A steadfast violator is often focused on the self. At times it has nothing to do with the consummate forgiver; his/her reason for being self-centered, which is what it feels like, doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with those who forgive. They’re just living true to themselves. They’ve most likely always been self-focused and don’t know how to be any other way.
It doesn’t mean the disregard for the consummate forgiver’s needs, wants, and desires should be ignored or accepted. It’s been proven many times over that “people will treat us as we allow.” It’s our responsibility to give ourselves the respect we deserve, so we can get it in return. We set the standard for what is acceptable; if you rely on someone else to meet the standards of your values (the giving), when you’re not meeting the standards yourself, you’ll NEVER pass the test (the getting).
So, the next time the steadfast violator shows who they are, believe them. Stay true to your values … be honest, loyal and committed to yourself … and finally ace the test!
Dina Maloney is co-founder of EPIC Coaching and Consulting, a firm that Empowers People through Insight and Change. The company assists people who are ready to evaluate themselves and/or their businesses, create a plan for improvement and make the necessary changes for maximum results.